And it continues…

Learning new things, asking myself new questions, reviewing my life in a way that I haven’t before.

I think both being in a state of vulnerability, expressing my feelings, and just having somebody ”wiser” tell me what they think I can do to improve my life (or at least tell me what they think about what I told them within an hour session) makes me more susceptible to the advice.

I feel so stunned, though, like why haven’t I thought about these things before?

I have been time-blocking my life since high school, so when my therapist told me to review my schedule and see where I can fit these things in, I couldn’t believe my ears.

How can it be so simple?

I think, in part, it’s because people make it so complex! And by people I mean me. I reflect back on where I got the need to do ten thousand things in 1 day and in part, I do believe it’s because of what I see on the internet and the productivity gurus I follow. Another thing that I acknowledge plays a part in my predicament is, you guessed it, my mindset. I don’t even remember being this aware of myself in high school, but I think following every time I’ve been depressed, I’ve just wanted to live life to the fullest with every day I get, almost making up for the times I’ve wanted to die and more. So, when I got “permission” to not have to do everything that I’ve ever wanted within everyday, I sat there shocked and then disappointed that what I got out of the conversation was a simple: change your schedule. Change my schedule, change where I fit things into my week. To be told that I don’t have to do xyz every single day but on days where I have more time and more mental capacity to do so seems like something I ought to know by now.

It didn’t cross my mind to think about it like this. I also haven’t had a schedule like I do now, though, so I’m giving myself grace. 

Grace for it all. 

That brings me to now and where I set myself up. There are some things I need to ask myself about my schedule, like if I can operate like this further: which, based on the past few months, is most likely a no.

I am, however, going to take what I learned and continuously ask myself what I am able to do that day and when I can schedule what I want to do based on the type of day I’ve had. I’m going to try my best to continue to apply what I’ve learned for the next two weeks and see where that leads me. I do think, just based on what I am doing right now, that I would be better off with a schedule that leaves me with time to do what I want daily, just for my sanity, but we shall see. This is a case where time will tell, although I already feel like time has told and it’s just up to me to do something about it.

Jada-LYN