I am the captain of my ship…
I was trying to find a way to sugar coat what I want to talk about, but there’s simply no reason why I should sugar coat it. At least, that’s what I think.
I was told about a cruise in which a man jumped overboard leaving behind a wife and 3 kids. I told this to my grandma during a car ride. Looking back, I hate to hear bad news, so I’m going to try my best to not spread the bad news - it was just something I had in the front of my mind. Anyways, so I told her about it and she said she had also seen it on FaceBook. We talked about the man and how it’s crazy how he did that. I was, I guess you can say, upset about how somebody can do that. Meanwhile in my mind, I know exactly how somebody can do that.
I just thought that since he had a wife, kids, and was on a cruise that maybe he was better off than he was and that he would’ve taken all that into consideration. Maybe he did. When you are depressed, the thoughts take over. I get it.
Who knows what the case was, if he was suffering from a mental illness or not, but it was brought up again today while I was at work. As I had the time to sit with the thoughts from the day, I thought about this interaction. It makes me emotional that people wish it were them. I wish there was something more that I could do to help everyone who suffers with mental illness and depressive thoughts.
It’s making me emotional thinking about it and it is getting me all messed up, especially since I have 1 more day since my period starts.
My mind jumps to so many places and thoughts and anxieties near the time of my period and I can acknowledge that, but still feel like those feelings are real and not just a result of my hormones changing (even though I know that a couple weeks afterwards, I’m like a shining star and astonished about how emotional I was).
Journaling about my thought process about this reminded me about how I felt about the author of I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki. I guess it reflects how I also feel about myself at some points, like what do I have to feel depressed about. I felt this way a lot when I was in school and honestly, I still feel this way LOL.
A new mindset to set myself free from. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
JADA-LYN