The websites
It all started years ago, when I was at my local library and saw this book: I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki, by Baek Sehee translated by Anton Hur. At that time, I didn’t check it out, though it did interest me; I forgot about it.
I downloaded Libby again this year. (Libby is an app connected to the library where I can digitally check out books and read them on my device.) I saw that I could rent that exact book on the app, so I borrowed it and began reading it in my free time.
The book is about the author, Baek Sehee, and her conversations with her psychiatrist. I think it’s an interesting read; if mental health is something that interests you, I would recommend looking into it. In the book, Sehee references Hong Seung-hee’s Suicide Diaries which I have never heard of. I looked it up and didn’t find much about the actual column, but I did stumble across this website that references Sehee’s part of the book that mentions it. The website I found is named I Swear You Will Be Fine and it’s a blog dedicated to a person named Joshua, who died by suicide. The blog is ran by his mother, sister, and girlfriend and contains posts written to Joshua.
Not only did I stumble across I Swear You Will Be Fine, but this website mentions another website that inspired the creation of I Swear You Will Be Fine. This second website is named Kids Are Gifts and it is written by a mother, Sangeeta, who lost her son, Saagar, due to suicide. After reading a handful of blog posts from each website, crying about it and pulling myself together, I returned to my initial Google search and didn’t find any more about Seung-hee’s Suicide Diaries. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to come across and read them. But with continuing this search, I found something else out, instead.
Baek Sehee died. At age 35 on October, 16, 2025. Her cause of death has not been released, but.. it’s likely to be due to suicide. Which, honestly, after crying about the two websites I found earlier, did not surprise me, but in a way, did upset me. I think it upset me because she was seeking psychiatric help and she did write that book (aka accomplish something in my eyes) and did do something. She did something, but it wasn’t enough. That’s what upset me. It also made me realize even more that mental illness is a real thing that more people should take seriously. Or rather, people don’t take mental health or mental illness seriously enough.
She has a sequel, I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki, which I have not read, yet.
As someone who also struggles with mental illness (which is a term that I don’t really like because it makes me feel like something is wrong with me lol), I took what I discovered in that moment personally. I could have been a person on this earth who has a website dedicated to them due to suicide.
Ultimately, after this discovery, I realized that instead of being a person that has a blog dedicated to mourning them, I can be a person who overcomes such struggles and writes a blog about the beauties (and beasts) of life!
With time, I’ve learned to love life. There are some days where I wonder what would have happened had I actually died. I don’t think about it too much, though. Sometimes I still have those thoughts, they’re not completely wiped from my system, but I’ve learned how to deal with them a lot better. Still not the best I can be, but trying to be :p
I don’t want to be someone who leaves this earth without creating all that I want to create, express all that I want to express and do all that I want to do. Life is too short for that.
-Jadalyn
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